Monday, September 12, 2011

Bullies.

Her name is Taylor Hillridge, and she's on a movie called Cyberbullied, on ABC Family.  She got a laptop for her birthday and started a "Cliquesters" page, a play of a Facebook page.  When a girl that didn't like her very much started saying things that were untrue, trouble unraveled by strangers and other students, alike.  There was a rumor started about her being a "whore", even though she'd never even been with anyone.  Even though this is common in high school to have rumors started and not stopped until it's too late, I will never understand how people get their jollies from started such nasty lies.  For Taylor, she posted a response video while she was crying and claimed that she found no point in breathing, and proceeded to almost killing herself, but was saved by her friend and mother.  For some kids, they give no warning and have no chance to be saved because they've kept to themselves through all the digital drama.  For others, they talk about their problems and get things figured out, but those are the lucky ones.
For me, in high school, there was an incident that happened involving myself and a girl I went to school with that was my friend, until she decided that she wasn't anymore.  For two weeks I stood in the dark, walking to and from classes completely oblivious to the fact that everyone was talking about me behind my back, and for me, the moment that it all crashed down on me was the moment that I wished I could have taken back. I wish I could have stayed oblivious, stayed in the dark about the fact that everyone had exaggerated the rumors to the point that I became "that girl". The one that people I didn't even know were talking about. The one that constantly wondered what she did to deserve such hatred from people who she'd barely even talked to.  The moment it all crashed down happened so quickly. Just a peer walking in the opposite direction stopped to ask me, so nonchalantly, "hey, is the rumor about you having sex on (Girl1)'s bed true?" and at that moment my heart stopped, I got light headed, and I had no idea what to say in response.  All I could ask was where he had heard that news, and he told me, with an inappropriate smile on his face, that everyone had been talking about it for two weeks, and that he thought I knew already.  Yes, the rumor was true, well at least that specific one.  I had in fact had sex on Girl1's bed with my then boyfriend, who was the brother of Girl1's boyfriend.  It was nothing I had suggested, or wanted to do, but unfortunately I also didn't know how to press that notion on to him, since he was getting pushy about it.  I was 16 and was new to the whole having sex thing, and when he wanted to do it in an apartment he wasn't even living in, I said no. I didn't feel comfortable, and no he didn't rape me, but he made me feel bad for just saying no, since I didn't seem to have a good reason for saying no (because that's really necessary, right?)
Right in the middle I heard a car door close, and he didn't believe me and kept going.  When the front door opened and shut, I freaked out.  Basically, she came in, freaked out, yelled at me, yelled at him, and all I could do was cry.  I was embarrassed, more so than I'd ever been because I could have never imagined how awkward it would be to be walked in on in the middle of that happening, especially in a place I shouldn't have been.  That was so unlike me, and the boyfriend could only argue with Girl1 about how she'd done worse and all she could do was freak out even more because for once, she was being called out for not being perfect.  I just remember crying for hours, for days, and only telling my best friend in the world, Samantha.  She's been the only person to never make me feel bad about making a mistake, especially since she knows what I would and would never do. 
I had been confronted by only one other person that I had once considered my friend, and I couldn't trust him enough to admit that yes, it was true.  However, as time went on, rumors seemed to have twisted and expanded, and I quite honestly don't even know what those rumors ended up being, as I had either deleted, or had been deleted by, people on MySpace. I remember spending the remainder of my Senior year, which was pretty much the whole thing since this all went down in September, in the library.  I set a routine for doing homework, listening to music, and ignoring the stares of students walking by me, thinking God knows what.
Never at any point had I considered committing suicide, since I knew that it would eventually blow over and people would get over it, since worse things happen.  I did however start hanging out with people that only got drunk or high to have fun, though I rarely did either one of those. Yes, rarely, I'm not going to lie and say never, but I didn't turn in to one of those kids that have to be under the influence to have fun.  I only did it socially every so often, when I just didn't care.  All I had to know in my own head, was that people were only doing it to make themselves feel better and that something else would eventually happen and people would forget it.  I never did remake the friends that I had lost, but at the same time, I figured that if people didn't want to believe me or stand up for me, that they weren't worth having around.  Girl1 is still around, and apparently talking to people about me, but those people are all immature and clearly have their own problems to deal with. 
The first time though, that I was bullied was in seventh grade, and the reaction that I had honestly makes me proud of myself.  I was on the bus, wearing nothing flashy or fancy or brand name, or even remotely girly, and one particular girl felt the need to try and make me feel bad about it.  First it was an attack on my sunglasses, and how they "made me look retarded". My response? "That's what I was going for". Baffled, but not yet powerless, she went at me again, this time about my shirt, one from a motorcycle show that my parents had been putting on in Nevada for years. "What's with that shirt? It's so ugly. What, are your parents too poor to buy you clothes? My shirt is way better than yours, and you wouldn't look good in it", to which I replied "my parents put on a show in a different state and order 1,000 of the same shirt for people to buy... and I don't like your shirt anyway", and she just had to have the last word and took a stab at the fact that I didn't have big boobs, by telling me that her shirt wouldn't look good on me anyway since I was so flat chested.  I don't remember saying anything after that, but I got praise for not letting them get to me, by a girl who also said nothing to stick up for me.  The bully girl was so annoyed that I wasn't just taking her ridicule that she stopped talking to me, and never said anything to me at school about it.  I wish every kid who's ever been bullied could stick up for themselves like that, but not every kid grew up in my house full of smartasses and somewhat sarcastic everyday banter. I consider myself lucky for knowing how to defeat someone who just wanted to make me feel like garbage, but also sorry for those who take what strangers say, to heart.  People that they don't even know that are pushing them around and talking crap for no other reason that to feel better about themselves just get away with it because some kids are afraid to just stick up for themselves, to just tell the bullies whats real and whats necessary.
I didn't go to a traditional high school with 2,000 kids and a handful of teachers, where there were jocks and cheerleaders and nerds and band geeks. I instead went to a school that had just been started, with 55, then 120, then 180, then 250 kids.  Kids who WERE the outcasts and "nerds" of middle school, who weren't popular, but were smart.  The bullied don't usually turn around and bully, because they know how it felt.  They know how much it makes you want to just curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone, since nobody will listen to you anyway.
I was pretty lucky, until Girl1, who had issues out the wahzoo and wasn't stable or capable of keeping friends outed me for a mistake I made, as if she never made a mistake.  I only don't feel bad about her being such a two faced bitch because I almost feel bad for her, since I know of some of her issues and insecurities.  I know she needs to make herself feel better by talking crap, even about those who were good friends to her.  I know that she is still 12 years old in her head, and she's never going to have a normal life because she can't seem to stop being babied by her parents.  I also know that she's scared of me because I knew many of her secrets and her insecurities, and she didn't think about that fact before she turned in to the bully that she is, at a school that she didn't start out at, or even graduate from.  A little part of me is still bitter at her for making me feel as bad as she did, especially when we were friends that very morning, and that was the end.  But all I can do is look past it, and know she has issues.
Taylor, at the end of the movie, stood up to the girl that was bullying her the most, and forgave her best friend who posed as someone else in the interest of bullying as well.  If every kid could do what she did, even after she almost took her own life, cyberbullying, and even real life bullying could be put in the past. 
But for now, there will always be the kids that torment, tease, and lie about other kids just to make themselves feel better, and unfortunately, some kids won't speak up about it until it's too late.

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